I hate shopping.
Nothing gets me less excited than going shoe shopping with my friends. Actually, I'd rather ride public transit all day long than go shoe shopping (more on that later). I once went to get my nails done at one of those fancy "nail salons" for graduation - I wanted a french manicure; none of that gel business. The woman that was doing my nails was so listless and bored that the experience was less than stellar AND cost me $15. For a french manicure. Now who has that kind of time / money? I'm shocked to hear that some people spend more time beautifying themselves than doing productive things like napping or writing articles. I decided to share with you a few of my "beauty tips" so that you maximize your gorgeousness, and minimize the hassle.
Shower once a day -- Yes, once a day. If you're feeling ambitious, shower again. Nothing is worse than sitting next to someone who doesn't smell like Dove soap or isn't wrinkled like a prune.
Wear Deodorant -- Nothing says "career minded" than rubbing a slimy stick of left-over body odour residue mingled with "fresh laundry" or "ocean breeze" deodorant scent.
Dab on some make-up -- By dab, I mean plaster your entire face in foundation, cover-up, concealer, blush, rouge, bronzer, mascara, eye-liner, eye-pencil, eye-last-lengthener, fake-eyelashes, line-liner, lip-gloss, lip-stick and lip-venom. When you're done, you should look nothing like your former self.
Brush your teeth -- Sounds simple, right? Just brush your teeth with anti-tartar, anti-cavity, extra-whitening & bleach, floss three times then slap on some of those whitening strips for good luck - just remember that you can't eat, drink, or smile when you're wearing those. Oh, and they might wear away your tooth enamel, but whats left will be white!
Wear some perfume -- Now it's time for some l'eau de toilette (isn't it strange that it translates to "water of the toilet"?). Choose something that is light, and fresh, or something that represents your mood. Got your perfume of choice? Good -- now spray it all over your face, arms, chest, legs, midsection and crotch. If the person standing at least 30 feet behind you isn't hacking up a lung, you haven't put on enough! Try again!
Select an outfit -- Choose something revealing, but not too revealing. You should maximize your cleavage, but you risk the factor of being called a hussy - but they're just jealous anyway. You should wear heels at least 3 inches high, otherwise the outfit just looks frumpy.
There you have it! Now you're ready to walk down to the convenience store or local grocery. But you better pray that you don't run into that cute guy you've been eyeing.. after all, you're barely dressed!