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8 Steps To Taming Your Zombie

peregrinus By peregrinus on
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I happen to have myself a genuine risen-from-the-dead zombie shambling outside the house this moment. For your amusement, I will document as I go along, the process of how to tame a zombie. Wish me luck!

1) Identification

The first step, logically, is identification. Is your neighbour Joe Everyman really the risen dead? Or has he just been hitting the drink again and just desperately needs a shower? The normal process for identifying a zombie includes presence of bite marks, torn flesh, blood, moaning, shambling, and general erratic behaviour (sounds like a family reunion, doesn't it). Once you've identified that yes, Joe is indeed the risen dead, move on to step two.

2) Capture

Step two in the taming process is capture. Consider making use of a lasso on a stick (like exterminators use) in order to maintain a safe distance from your subject. It is recommended that you have an assistant during this phase. Preferably someone you don't like, and who is a bit slow to react to things. This person will act as the bait. Once the zombie's attention is focused on your dim witted assistant, you will be free to move closer for the capture, making ready the restraint phase.

3) Restraint

Step three of the process is restraint. Normally, it would be fairly easy to hog tie a subject. But in this case, remember that the subject is craving to feast on your flesh. Try and keep the attention of the subject focused on your assistant. Now begin to tie the subject's hands and feet. OH NO! Step 4!

4) Feeding frenzy

You've come to step four. The rope you were using to restrain the subject ended up being really crappy twine. You wish you'd bought that nice nylon rope you saw on sale at the Supermart. No matter, the tape will hold right? Wrong, you bought that at a Dollar Store. You've done it now my friend, you agitated your subject. Your assistant's screams of agony pierce the relative quiet of the neighbourhood. Since the subject undead has his attention focused on your now twitching assistant, you are free to move on to step five.

5) Restraint....again

So the twine and cheap tape didn't work. Luckily your ex-wife was a bit of a kinkster. You still have the shackles she used to use on you. Get up nice and close to the distracted subject and snap em on!

6) Panic

It seems that a dead guy is better at squirming himself out of shackles than you ever were. And now all his attention is focused on you. You run to the door of your house, but forgot that your now-dead assistant locked it. There no way you'll get the key...Move to step seven.

7) Hiding in the corner

Find yourself the smallest cubby you can and squeeze into it. Maybe the zombie won't be able to get you in there, or will give up. Unfortunately, in my case, this happens to be my front steps. I'm writing this, with no more will to document in the scientific third person. It can't see me, as I am behind a low bush. This is my last will and testament: I want all of my possessions to go to.....

8) Brains!

Braaaaains brains brains brrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiins! Brains brains brains! Bbbbrrraaaiiiinnnnsssss!